Autonomy Lost

I’ve been in a funk, lately.

I have been unfriending people for a while now, to the point that my friend list now stands at about a hundred. It should be less, but I got tired of sifting people out.

Not that these folks were bad friends, some of them are well-meaning in their own ways, most were just people who I don’t feel any chemistry with. I don’t mean this in any snobbish way- I’m quite confident that I am different from most people. The structure of my thinking, my reliance on instinct, I don’t know (the logicians want to put everything in words on a piece of paper. I’ve tried that, and I realised there were too many things we can’t impose logic on). I want to be in an empty room while tending to the fires of my rebirth. In most cliques / friendships, I am just playing a role. I don’t want to be an actor anymore.

Most of the people I know tend to be ultra rich people (owing to my education in ACS).

My parents thought I would be inspired to to join the ranks of the rich if I went to school with them.

Shame. It only taught me that the system’s rigged. I will never be rich, not in this life.

I have to consider every cent that I spend, even with the expensive luxuries like a pint of beer or a pair of earphones. These decisions aren’t made lightly. I had to skip outings and prepare meals at home for weeks, sometimes a couple of months.

The people on my social media drive their own cars while posting about how they want to give back to society. Also please type ‘JWOO’ in the discount code to redeem 50% of my protein powder.

I’ve also been trying to let go of my ideologies, which proves more difficult than letting go of people. Feels like learning to walk again without my crutches. The goal is to learn to stand.

Being in free-fall induces a mental vertigo. Questioning everything from the meaning of life to the meaning in life. I tide the time with the things I love best- media. Games, music, movies, television. Creation. The materialization of a person’s intellectual or psychological impulses.

I’ve been listening to Jordan Peterson a lot, and he’s literally and figuratively God-sent. I don’t agree with everything he says. I am not going to buy into Jesus. Not before, not now, not ever. But he’s also reminded me that the atheist provides nothing (not that the concept of nothing isn’t appealing on it’s own).

I want to learn more about Hinduism, but the people of my race are mostly apathetic to the rationale of the religion. Either that, or they believe in idol worship and pray for miracles, as would any other pious person of another religion. Different window, same view.

My work should be starting soon. I will probably buy a gym membership to that 24/7 gym at River Valley. Some structure in my life would be welcome at this point.

I am not emotional or sad, by the way. As I said earlier, I am just in a funk.


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